Summer 2023

Landed here at 5am, sleepy and antsy after 15 hours in the air. I didn’t notice myself travel soo far forward in time. Suddenly I didn’t know when I was.

Before the flight, and really for the better part of the weekend, I was scared about the travel. My anxiety takes the same shapes over and over, so that by now my closest ppl can recognize me in it. [Redacted] took me all the way to NJ Transit for Newark and got right into the train with me until departure time. He jogged by the train as it marched down the platform, slowly and then faster, with a sign language I-love-you. The glass was foggy, maybe frosted, so he couldn’t tell but I was kind of teary smiling back.

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I just slept from 5-8pm after a day of walking and eating and walking. I met cousin Hye-Soo.

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Today I met the brother of my 할아버지 and his wife and their sweet old poodle mix, Choco. I listened to Great Uncle pray over our lunch, and I didn’t know what he was saying but I could guess. We all said, “amen.” He asked how I speak with my grandparents without speaking much Korean, and there was no good way to explain it to him but I do. Great Aunt held my hand at the bus stop.

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It’s something like day 3 or 4 now. It turns out this trip is complicated in more ways than I thought. Dad’s uncles (one paternal and one maternal) used to work together way way back, and now they have some old bad blood over a dead business. I woke up to a fight between Dad and 할머니 about her nieces and a Coach purse. 고모 says the whole family says mean and hurtful things to each other, and I know it’s true.

할머니 bartered over our hanbok prices at the market the other day and we know that made her feel important and worthy.

Last night, I watched 할아버지 open a milk chocolate caramel Ghirardelli square so meticulously and slowly that I almost couldn’t look away. This morning, the same thing: perfectly divvying his avocado slices so that each bite of egg sandwich has a piece to go with it. Meanwhile, 할머니 tears at the whole creation with her fingers, clutching napkins for dear life as she does. I’ve been wondering forever about their marriage and how they came together and over what and how long it all took them after the arrangement. They sit side by side at the table, him with his feet crossed at the ankle, her with a foot perched on the chair, knee in the air, a shirt barely draped over her. I wonder what they talk about when there’s nothing really to talk about?

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Holy shit…this trip is fucking nuts. Before we left for this Jeju trip, 할머니 got lost in Seoul. We found her at 11:30pm at the police station. There had been so much fighting in the lead-up to it all. Soo much crying when she returned. Then, after three days on the island, she had a mini stroke. WTF. No breaks to be caught here. At this point, I’m ready to head home. For now, we’re going back to Seoul.

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I’ve now watched both of my grandmothers grapple with death. The mini stroke has already changed 할머니. She shakes her head at basically everything, as if to say, “What’s the point?” which is not characteristic of her, exactly. She shouted something awful (that’s all I’m told) at Dad before she wailed all through our jjajangmyeon dinner on the other side of the bedroom door. The curious piece of me is completely stomped out by the piece that knows better: some things aren’t for me to know. When Nana’s body started to experience this, I don’t think she was like this. It seemed like she was warm all the way up until she was cold. I fed her ice cream, and I remember feeling like she was comfy, even if somewhat confused.

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This afternoon, 할아버지 gestured to his ear for a Q-tip, and I retrieved one from my dopp kit in the bathroom. “You are very good” he said to me.