Winter 2023

Just made the morning coffee for [redacted] and I. Fun fun night!!! Everybody hang!! Finally. Friend love is so real and I’m basking in it. I’m feeling truly closer to [redacted] than ever. I hope she’s my friend for my entire life.

Friendship is so good but also not uncomplicated…saw [redacted] night before last and left feeling confused. It was a lot of fun but emotionally all over the place – everything from crying and holding a hand across the table to telling me I’ll be kept at arms length. Ultimately gonna let him figure that out…lol. I feel at peace having expressed my care and warm feelings with honesty. It felt good to tell him that he is important to me. Brave vulnerability wins every time. Projection alert!! I wonder if he was maybe lonely and maybe denying himself the comfort of a friend because, what do you make of how we used to be in love?

The apartment is hot. New York winter is a swamp. How long will we last? How many more eggs over a gas stove!!!!

I’m dissociating less now but it has made me existential instead. When you’re embodied you suddenly realize how fast the time goes, remembering so vividly the desire at age 12 to be finally 16, then returning to a present moment in which you’re far closer to 30. Who cares?

Death looms but art doesn’t care. Finding a piece of yourself and externalizing it – giving it some form and the vulnerable exposure of someone else’s eyes tell us all that we’re here and we will have been here no matter what. What you make and say and do is all a mirror. And a window. It’s brave to find yourself there. It is an embodied living art to cook eggs on a gas stove.