Spring 2024

Thinking about??? The desire to feel your way through life + to intimately know the very worst of it all as well as you do the best of the best?? Living as much as you can in the elated highs, but reaching your hands into what hurts, too; warm things and the scorching hot.

Living always makes me cry. Abundance: filling up to the point of spillage

I started wondering yesterday if I could make “God” mean anything to me. Like if I thought of all the space and forces and randomness I possibly could as one entity, it could be “God.” And I might then agree to believe and succumb. And I might ask it for things, but I don’t know that I’d have faith the way other people do.

I’m riding the train back to New York after spending 2 days in DC feeling lonely in the stupidness of my purpose. And at times hovering my chin over the toilet, expecting puke. And at one point, so angry and ruffled and brimming that the sight of my dog over Facetime brought me to tears.

Unhappiness trailed me all over and it sucked. Nausea trails me still, actually. But I feel it and this makes me a person.

Right now, I’m trying to feel it all, diligently, even though it feels bad. Now, I intend to be a puddle of tears and a joyful jumper and to use all the tools at my disposal: music, colors, honesty…

I don’t think life is to be treated like a movie. When I feel, my life is not a movie. And I think that actually, movies are really hoping to be life.

Resistance to emotionalizing/smiling at yourself/ascribing meaning RESISTS YOU and life and mystery.