Winter 2023

[Redacted] and I just got a cheeky happy hour drink here – he had an IPA and I had a glass of wine. I’m getting a t-shirt. I tell him that I’d like to have a coveted t-shirt collection, which makes me feel stupid for some reason.

My date with [redacted] tonight is postponed, but I really don’t care because all I want today is to lie on top of my buddy here and feel lulled from Wednesday into Thurs by all the mundanities and sweets of love on the weekdays.

He’s left now, to take a 6:30 meeting. And I am practicing screenlessness; the art of being alone in public. I did not use my phone this morning or yesterday morning while brushing my teeth + pouring the coffee, as is my tiny assignment from Monday’s therapy session.

I’ve been thinking so much about change and habits. What creates the insistence on self-improvement? Of course I’m addicted to screens in a world that seeks to know me thru them. Of course I can’t have a still mind. Things screech like a hot kettle, before combusting suddenly, then burning long and slow and with a smoke in the air that makes me cough and us all cough!! The pandemic lurks. Sugar is addicting and so I am addicted to it. I love myself for flossing. And thankfully some things are timelessly satisfying — low light, accordion over bass, etherial sounds and very stark shadows. Ugliness won’t die…